“Yes, yes, it’s me – the one and only, the famous, the infamous Ham Burglar! I am a handsome young dude – and yes, I am a dude. I’m tabby and white, with a blaze on my nose – just like a horse! A horse! I could be a horse, but I’m not. I am a Cat, and I am the famous Ham Burglar.”

“Why so famous – or infamous, you ask? It seems some not-at-all nice two-leggeds shoved me out of a car at a McDonald’s drive-thru. They weren’t great humans in the first place, and I smelled food, so I figured this could be my big chance. I hung out. Pretty soon, the people who worked there gave me things to eat – McNuggets, a Big Mac, a few french fries. Then I took to being charming and cute with the customers – got myself more McFood.”

“Alas, all good things must end. McD’s manager said, ‘The health inspector isn’t going to like that cat hanging out.’ Uh, oh. That’s when I became known as the Ham Burglar, and a friendly two-legged from Feline Rescue came, put a Big Mac in her trap, and in I went. Uh, oh. And off I went, and here I am.”

“I tell you I am a great guy. I am friendly, cheerful, and slightly mischievous. Well, OK, more than slightly. I have streamlined tabby stripes and very white feet. The food here is real carnivore food, no additives. I like it. I like people. Even better do I like people who let me run around the room. Yes! And Yeehaw! And I’ll tell you what else – I’m a champion arm wrestler. Oh, yes, love to armwrestle – here, give me an arm. Is that fun or what?”

“Here’s what I’m lovin’ – you with $120 in your pocket, coming in for some serious armwrestling with a handsome and infamous Cat Dude – the Ham Burglar! Say, along with the money, could you bring some cheeseburgers? I Can Haz Cheezburger, you know.”